The Complete Works of the 2012 GOP Nomination Campaign (abridged) / 11-8-11

[The curtain comes up. A bare stage, save for a television set and a dozen people, milling about.]

GUY IN CORNER: Not Mitt

PERSON WITH CHURRO: We love you Saaarah, oh yes we do

GUY IN CORNER: Not Mitt

QUIET PERSON (lip synching): /huntsman/

GIRL (skipping across stage): Christie, Christie, Christie

PERSON WITH CHURRO: And you too Michele

BOY (marching, carrying sign across stage, chanting): Ron Paul, that is all... Ron Paul, that is all...

GUY IN CORNER: Not Mitt

PERSON WITH BIBLE: I <3 Huckabee

PERSON BACKSTAGE (yelling): Santorum!

QUIET PERSON: /huntsman/

PERSON WITH CHURRO: Saaaaraaaaah Palin (clap clap clapclapclap)

TWO GUYS IN CORNER: Not Mitt

CRAZY PERSON (dancing, chanting): Obamacare Obamacare Obamanation Obamacare

THREE GUYS IN CORNER: Not Mitt

CRAZY PERSON (still dancing): Birth Certificate!

PERSON WITH CHURRO: Obamacare

PERSON WITH BIBLE: Obamanation

TWO GUYS IN CORNER: Not Mitt

CRAZY PERSON: (unintelligible yelling)

NOW JUST ONE GUY IN CORNER: Not Mitt

HERMAN CAIN: Me

BOY: Ron Paul, that is all...

RICK PERRY: I'm not George Bush

GIRL (skipping, not running): Christie, Christie, Christie

OLD GUY: Newwwwwt

THREE GUYS IN CORNER: Not Mitt

FOX NEWS: Cain Is Able

EVERYONE (running to TV): oooooooooooo

FOX NEWS: Not Mitt

FOX NEWS: Cain Is Able

EVERYONE (droning): Cain Is Able Cain Is Able

BOY (oblivious): Ron Paul, that is all... Ron Paul, that is all...

PERSON WITH CHURRO (weeping): I dropped my churro

PERSON BACKSTAGE: Santor-- (loud banging noise) -- owww hey owww

HERMAN CAIN: Nineninenine

FOX NEWS: Not Mitt

EVERYONE: Not Mitt

CAIN: Nineninenine

CAIN: NinenineNIIINE

PERSON WITH BIBLE: I still <3 Huckabee

FOX NEWS: Shut up

CAIN: Nineninenine

FOUR WOMEN: Nein! Nein! Nein!

FOX NEWS: Shut up

FOX NEWS: Cain is Able

EVERYONE: Wait a second

RICK PERRY: I'm not Rick Perry

EVERYONE: Not Mitt

MITT ROMNEY: I'm not Mitt Romney

BOY: Ron Paul, that is all...

GIRL (slowing down): Christie, Christie, Chris --

OLD GUY: Newwwwwt

CRAZY PERSON (sitting): Sad

PERSON WITH CHURRO (hanging head): Sad

GIRL (walking off stage): Sad

HERMAN CAIN: Hey baby

FOX NEWS:

RICK PERRY: I'm not Mitt Romney

GUY IN CORNER: Not Mitt... ?

EVERYONE: Mitt?

FOX NEWS:

FOX NEWS:

FOX NEWS: Aw nuts

QUIET PERSON: /i told you/

[Curtain descends.]

BOY (still marching with sign, still chanting): Ron Paul, that is all... Ron Paul, that is all...