144 Or Less / 12-17-11

If you mean to sign a pledge defending marriage, but instead you end up offending it, you might be Newt Gingrich.

First of all, I'm sorry -- really sorry. Secondly, you should rethink your decision to sign this.

This is, in short, the latest Republican-sponsored quixotic battle against same-sex marriage.

Given that you cheated on your first two wives, once while you were impeaching Clinton for lying about sexual indiscretions, then also while another was fighting off cancer (successfully!), you're better off signing an overt declaration of war on marriage rather than a laughable oath to "protect" it from committed people who would like their children to grow up in a stable home where two loving parents don't have to explain to their children why the government disallows their union.

Long sentence there. Shorter ones now.

Now go win the nomination, you double-talking sleazebag. Please.

(Word count: 144)

144 Or Less, Vol. XI / 10-29-11

Recently in this space I detailed Ron Paul's fantastical path to the 2012 Republican nomination (ed. note: "fantastical" does not share a meaning with "fantastic"), plus a list of things I genuinely like about the Herminator.

Well, each time I burrow into deeper examination of a flawed GOP field, I'm left to conclude that Mitt Romney eventually wins the nomination.

Which is how I happened upon this, from Steve Benen, in Washington Monthly:

"As hard as it is to believe, it’s very likely the Republican presidential nomination will go to a French-​​speaking Mormon vulture capitalist named Willard, who used to support abortion rights, gay rights, gun control, 'amnesty' for undocumented immigrants, and combating climate change, and who distanced himself from Reagan, attended Planned Parenthood fundraisers, and helped create the blueprint for the Affordable Care Act."

This can't happen, right? Right?

(Word count: 144)

144 Or Less, Vol. X / 8-13-11

Fourth post in four days.

Saw this plastered on a car's bumper:

I'm an American

and a Christian too!

Line 1 is bold. Driving around Suburb, WA, you gotta brand yourself. Lest anyone think you're neither of those things mentioned.

But line 2 is why the sticker, uh, stuck with me. Who defines themselves in that order? And in the superhypothetical setting of a Judgment Day, is that your plan?

"Hi."

"Hey God."

"S'up?"

"You know, the usual. Dead."

"So, you wanna spend some eternity in heaven?"

"Wait wait, I know this one... here goes... I'm an American."

"Well, in that case."

Looking terribly forward to the next generation:

I'm Caucasian

and alive too!

Or:

I speak English

and I chew my food before swallowing too!

Gosh, I hope I don't know this person.

(Word count: 139)

144 Or Less, Vol. IX / 2-18-11

You know who's not dominating the airwaves right now?

Sarah P., that's who. (Isn't.)

We saw her a-plenty in 2010, endorsing candidates, writing "books" (that should help with future pesky gotcha-type questions!!), feuding with her son-in-and-out-of-almost-law, railing against the Ovalest Socialist, being lampooned, doing "reality" shows, and generally being the life of the (tea) party.

This year, not so much. Which is great. I mean, she has a large, needy family and all, so good for her.

She also has been printing money. Gobs of money.

I guessed last year that the main reason she quit that inconvenient day job of hers was to cash in while she could. And looky here: various news outlets estimate she made between $12 and $14 million in 2010.

Again, good for her. But what's her next move now?

Please run, Sarah. Pretty please.

(Word count: 144)

144 Or less, Vol. VIII / 2-18-11

Something Baby Bush DID get right:

"The desire for freedom resides in every human heart. And that desire cannot be contained forever by prison walls, or martial laws, or secret police. Over time, and across the Earth, freedom will find a way.

Granted, he got himself some speechwritin' help there, as is usually the case with presidents (but only usually), yet the point remains: Freedom gonna do its thing.

Totalitarian regimes tremble today across the Middle East (Tunisia, Egypt, maybe Bahrain, then Iran?). Made me recall the run-up to III (Illegitimate Invasion: Iraq), when conservative apologists continually insisted that a free Iraq would set off a neo-domino theory in which long-awaited civil and economic liberties sweep the region.

They were probably right. Doubtful our military "assistance" was needed, but still.

To conclude, more W: "This young century will be liberty's century."

Hoping.

(Word count: 142)

144 Or Less, Vol. VII / 1-26-11

Utah.

Seat of the LDS Church. Nearly 60 percent of Utahns are Mormons, while 16 percent of the population is religiously unaffiliated.

Utah, also the place where people politely purchase premium porn, in proportions which eclipse the rest of the population.

It's not even a photo finish, in which horny Oregonians might've "come" in second, by a fraction. (They didn't. Alaskans finished second, Mississippians third, and everyone else is faaaar behind. Bringing up the rear: Utah's neighbors and fellow ubercrimson states Idaho and Wyoming. Explain that.)

Researcher and Harvard prof Ben Edelman analyzes: Utah has lots of teens and young people, and a dearth of retail porn outlets. Baow-chicka-baow-baow, I guess.

Sadly, the study's author already coined the term "Red-Light States," which is especially tragic, since that pun was born to be made by me.

Word count: 142.

144 or Less, Vol. VI / 11-28-10

Openly Gay Republican Running For GOP Presidential Nomination! Read All About It!

My confidential sources tell me it's possible to be homosexual AND a functional member of the Republican Party. Besides, in an ironic twist, the Democratic president's Justice Department is currently fighting a conservative group (the Log Cabin Republicans) for the right to keep enforcing the military's homophobic DADT policy. More on that some wordier day.

Which got me thinking: what would disqualify one from capturing the Republican nomination? Badmouthing the NRA, I'd think.

Which got me thinking: if the gun nuts run the R caucus, which interest group owns the D party? My conclusion: the teachers' union.

Which got me thinking: I'd much rather be held hostage by the people trying to educate the country than by the people trying to put bullets in anything that moves.

(Word count: 142)

144 or Less, Vol. V / 11-16-10

I like to avoid calling people hypocrites -- it's never too long before that kind of talk whips around and bites you in both buttcheeks.

However, if I see another "I don't value riches" type of slogan on an pricey piece of luxury, the irony is going to kill me instantaneously.

Across the bumper of a shiny new Benz today: "Don't let the car fool you -- my treasure is in heaven."

Thirty seconds later, on the lawn of an immaculately landscaped gated home, sitting on a one-acre lot, complete with speedboat in arched driveway: "Our treasure is in heaven."

Like I said, hypocrisy ain't the issue. It's the denial. People should buy nice things if they like spending their money on nice things. Freedom! America!

But don't wallpaper your materialism with anti-materialist slogans. That just looks dumb.

(Word count: 142)

144 or Less, Vol. IV / 10-23-10

An interesting thing has happened as the 2010 campaign winds down.

With Republicans offering several immoderate candidates (Miller, O'Donnell, Angle, Paladino, Toomey) for Senate, two familiar figures have emerged as leaders of their respective parties.

President Obama for the D's; Sarah Palin for the R's. The former has been crisscrossing the country to help liberals retain the Senate; the latter has encouraged voters to elect Tea Party-approved candidates and give conservatives control of the House.

Both will probably succeed at their tasks -- which is a result I love.

Not because it divides government. But because an emboldened Palin, flush with kingmaking success, then becomes THE face of the right. And 39 percent of Republicans think she'd make a good president. Not 39 percent of Americans -- only counting R's here.

Just 25 percent of Americans view her favorably.

So keep visiting Iowa, Sarah.

(Word count: 143)

144 Or Less, Vol. III / 10-18-10

This conversation took place last week. See if you can spot which speaker is aged 36, and which one is 7.

"Those are graves. But they don't look like graves."

"Yeah, there weren't any headstones."Pause.

"It's hard to know what happens after you die."

"Probably because nobody ever comes back to tell us what it's like."

"Hm."

Death: the great conversational equalizer. Turns out pretty much everyone can talk about it with pretty much the same level of expertise.

(Words used: 83)

144 Or Less, Vol. II / 10-14-10

A federal judge just declared DADT unconstitutional. Naturally, the Democrats running the Justice Department will appeal.

Huh?

Saying they want to proceed with already-laid plans to phase out DADT, administration officials will fight the ruling.

Yeah. See. There exists no bad time to end discrimination, no bad way to restore dignity to soldiers who volunteered their very life to their country. Take the gift, Barack. Run with it.

Appealing makes zero sense, politically. Obama's choice to deliver the death-blow to DADT himself dampens left-wing enthusiasm and costs the D's precious midterm votes. Not a single rabid anti-gummint whiner will read today's headlines and find his mind changed or his passion to defeat the Black Socialist Secret Muslim abated.

So -- pardon my French -- BHO had better make damn well sure DADT is toast very, very soon, or he can start perusing want ads.

(Word count: 144)

144 Or Less / 10-8-10

(This category of post has a 144-word limit. Political snark exclusively here. And prefacorial parenthetical statements don't count against the count. So don't count them. Also, don't ask about the 144 thing.)

In my Congressional district, Washington's 1st, Democrat Jay Inslee is the incumbent.

Alongside his ubiquitous green-on-blue campaign placards, other signs have surfaced among the weeds -- ones not planted by his people. (The weeds OR the new signs, hopefully. Although he IS the incumbent, therefore by nature evil, and thus inclined to have a soft spot for weeds.)

The signs read:

"Jay Inslee

Bankrupting America Since 1992"

He's been in office 18 years. True story.

But funny thing, he's only been bankrupting America since 2000. Before that, he was helping Bill Clinton craft roughly balanced budgets, as the country's public debt FELL in nominal dollars (wikistats here) during Inslee's first eight years in D.C.

I wonder what in 2000 prompted Inslee to begin writing federal budgets that sent us closer to bankruptcy? What a turd. Throw him out indeed!

(Words used: 142.)