You Heard Me / 10-29-11

Not that you were paying attention to a World Series that lacked the Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies, and all teams from Chicago or L.A. (plus nobody invited the Mariners! Again!), but yeah, there was a fair amount of drama in the Fall Classic this past week.

The Cardinals, twice a mere strike from defeat, won it all Friday night. They came back from a two-run deficit in the bottom of the ninth AND tenth innings to wrest Game 6 from the Texas Rangers, then cruised to a 6-2 Game 7 victory to claim the trophy.

This series had it all. Individual heroics, eye-popping errors (confession: "eye-pooping" was the first thing my fingers typed, and that's not so far off), outstanding pitching performances, epic at-bats, game-saving hits and catches, meltdowns, questionable decisions; oh, there was more than enough drama.

And God. There was some God, too. Well, according to Texas slugger Josh Hamilton, who says God dropped by for a nice little mid-game chat.

In the heat of the moment Thursday night, Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa couldn't place a call to the bullpen to get the right pitcher in the game. But in the opposing dugout, minutes later, Hamilton had a direct line to the Deity Formerly Known As Bruce.

"I was walking to the plate. And it happened as I was brushing dirt in the batter's box. Very cool. Y'all ought to try it sometime," said Hamilton, a self-avowed born-again Christian who turned to Jesus after years of substance abuse and all the lovely things that come with a destructive lifestyle.

I won't leave you hanging, like a lousy curveball, any longer. Here's the Transcript:

"He said, 'You haven't hit one in a while and this is the time you're going to,' '' Hamilton said. "But there was a period at the end of that. He didn't say, 'You're going to hit it and you're going to win.' "

Hamilton hit a home run that trip to the plate.

(Now to his credit, Hamilton didn't ask God to give away the game's final outcome. That would have sucked. Not for God. Strictly for Josh. Who lost the game, and the series.)

You've probably noticed that I don't take this kind of chatter very seriously, so then here are some assorted conclusions one might draw from the Hamilton-Yahweh pep talk:

1. God dislikes the Rangers. (Chalk one up for divine good taste. What whaat!)

2. Or... God was just popping in to deliver some free information about the near future. You know, between checking in on the earthquake in Turkey earlier that day that killed at least 500 people, the developing floods in Bangkok, and scattered famines and wars.

(Everyone needs some R&R, right? Letting the world's countless tragedies take their collective toll is demanding work. Not that I'd know. God doesn't talk to me. Too busy, you know, whispering some athletics-based fortunetelling in a dude's ear.)

3. Athletes really are more special than the rest of us. (We should totally pay the best ones five figures, daily. Eh, what's this now? Oh.)

4. It was actually Satan, messin' with Texas. (Ol' Luce is probably the only one who can get away with it!)

5. It was actually God. (empty parentheses, for sure)

6. Some combination of Hamilton being wrong/deceitful/confused. (Rats. The answers are losing their snark! Quick! Be all clever-like!)

7. God did speak to Hamilton, but told him he was going to ground out to shortstop. Josh is just covering for a giant Oops. (There you go, me.)

7. Something else happened. Not God speaking to Hamilton, but also not God not speaking to Hamilton. (It's very mystical. "Well, that's not very snarky." "Shut up, inner dialogue!" "Don't talk to me like that, please." "Excuse me. Who are you to say how I may and may not--")

Milton Bradley Lost the Media Game / 5-11-11

Milton Bradley, the baseball player, has his fans.

They're here, here, here, here and here. Just a sampling. (I freely admit the third link is lame. But still fun.)

Anyway. This seems like a lot of fandom calories dedicated to a guy who has the reputation not just for sowing seeds, but planting entire crops of discontent wherever he lands. He played 216 games with the Dodgers, and that was the most he logged with any one team over a 12-year career. Easy to do if you're Jamey Wright. Harder to do when you lead the AL in OPS in 2008.

Well, to offer a slight understatement, Milton hasn't made best friends with everyone at every stop.

"You understand why they haven't won in 100 years here," is how he described the environment in the Chicago Cubs organization. They traded him before he played another game wearing their uniform.

"You wonder what his problem is," one ex-teammate reportedly said.

Mariners manager Eric Wedge is personally aware of MB's uncuddly side.

There's plenty more along those lines. You don't need the whole resume. It's fun/maddening to remember he threw the ball in the stands after two outs against the Twins a couple years ago. Use that googly thing if you want more anecdotes.

Milton inspires a wide range of emotional reactions. It's not so hard, in the game of baseball, to become a villain, a laughingstock, or a feared offensive force. It's not so easy to pull all three off.

I'm not sure that the apparent trichotomy -- if it even exists -- comes from MB being somehow deranged, bipolar, manic depressive, although one of those may well be a real condition of his. Not a shrink here. Let me repeat: I'm not capable of telling if anything ails him, mentally. What I do know is that he treated the media like dogshit year after year after year, and he paid the price.

Milton Bradley spent his career losing the media game. Maybe he cared too much about what people thought of him; maybe he cared too little. Those are equally valid theories. What's not in dispute, though, is that he made it very, very easy for people who covered him to dislike him. The consequence: bad press. Simple cause and effect.

I don't know that individual reporters across the country deserved his disdain. Maybe they did. Speaking as a former sports reporter, journalists are just as capable of being jerks as the next guy. Humans!

Point is, you can treat the media like stinky stinky doo-doo if you're anonymous little me. Works less well if you're a public figure of any kind.

That being said, Milton earned some of the unflattering words printed about him.

Earlier this year, an arrest for what might or might not be domestic violence (no charges were filed) doesn't make him any more endearing or defensible to those who would work to endear him to us or defend him in the court of public opinion.

But digging a little further, why should any of us rely on the impressions of any media member to form a judgment on a player's inner qualities and deficiencies? Why should any of us try to ascertain if a socially distant guy is someone we'd like, or wouldn't? And by socially distant, I don't mean reclusive. I mean, if we can't get to know our sports idols (and very few of us fans get to do so), then why should we act like we do?

Come to think of it, that explains why I can't stomach comments from people who purport to know the guy beyond the player. Get over yourselves.

To conclude with a non-conclusion, our lack of understanding of Milton, the man, is why this blogger's piece from Monday is so spot-on. He admits he bought a view obstructed ticket to Milton Bradley: The Show.

We all did.

Reckful Baseball Predictions / 3-31-11

Baseball!

For your amusement (and your amusement only), here is how the 2011 season will play out. No no, it's true, I confess, I'm cheating a little here, because 0.12 percent of this year's games have already been played. And I'm not taking a whole lot of chances. Whatever the opposite of reckless is -- that's how my foreseeing organs foresee the future.

American League, Final Standings

WEST

1. Oakland, 88-74

2. Texas, 85-77

3. Seattle, 77-85

4. Anaheim, 76-86

CENTRAL

1. Minnesota, 90-72

2. Chicago, 88-74

3. Cleveland, 79-83

4. Detroit, 78-84

5. Kansas City, 67-95

EAST

1. Boston, 101-61

2. Toronto, 89-73

3. Tampa Bay, 86-76

4. New York, 83-79

5. Baltimore, 59-103

National League, Final Standings

WEST

1. San Francisco, 89-73

2. Los Angeles, 86-76

3. Colorado, 85-77

4. San Diego, 80-82

5. Arizona, 56-106

CENTRAL

1. Milwaukee, 91-71

2. Cincinnati, 90-72

3. Chicago, 88-74

4. St. Louis, 81-81

5. Houston, 66-96

6. Pittsburgh, 63-99

EAST

1. Philadelphia, 99-63

2. Atlanta, 90-72

3. Florida, 82-80

4. Washington, 76-86

5. New York, 67-95

Playoffs (aka Crapshoot Rounds)

American League

Boston def. Oakland 3-1

Minnesota def. Toronto 3-2

Boston def. Minnesota 4-1

National League

Philadelphia def. Cincinnati 3-1

San Francisco def. Milwaukee 3-2

Philadelphia def. San Francisco 4-1

World Series

Philadelphia def. Boston 4-1

Explanations and Rationale, Top Ten Style

10. So fun to root against the Yankees. They are one significant pitching injury away from a .500 season. (Bad year for NY, with the Messed-up Mets finishing in last place.)

9. Mariners will surprise the world by reaching .500 in August. Then they will fold, as expected.

8. Yes, everyone is picking Boston and Philly. There's a reason for that. Many reasons actually. Both teams are deep, flush with starting pitching and offense, and both squads are hungry for more success than they experienced last season.

7. Blue Jays will profit most from the Yankees' temporary demise. Toronto last made the playoffs in 1993. That was before the wild-card was invented. Now they get to be one.

6. A's win a weak AL West; Giants overcome injuries to take the NL West almost by default.

5. Seriously, never root against the Twins. What are you, an idiot?

4. Ichiro racks up 240 more hits and bats .355, second in the league.

3. Cliff Lee is the World Series MVP. (Risky predictions are overrated.)

2. Batting champ Dustin Pedroia is the AL MVP; Tim Lincecum is the NL MVP and Cy Young; AL top pitcher is Trevor Cahill.

1. A record six no-hitters are pitched. One by Felix Hernandez, one by Lee, one by some guy nobody has ever heard of before this season. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens both serve time in jail for perjury, and nobody hits 50 home runs. Coincidentally.

Observacations, Vol. II / 1-18-11

Second in my back-to-work three-part series.

Part Un: Politix. Soo yesterday.

Part Deux: Sports. I would link to it, but you're reading it, and that would be 11 percent too silly for even me.

Part Trois: Musings on God and god.

Then we (I) will be all caught up after our (my) five (five) weeks off.

FIRST AND TEN, EIGHT AND TEN

After the NFL switches from a 16-game to an 18-game schedule (and the move is inevitablish, given that the owners would make more money and the players' union would negotiate for more roster spots), a team will finish its season 8-10. Obviously. And yet, that team -- the future Cleveland Browns -- will not be the first-ever pro football team to do so. The Seahawks already pulled it off. Poor Cleveland. Can't even lose with distinction.

Scenarios by which a team arrives at 8-10, given that it takes a winning record to make the playoffs every year except 2010: Zero. A team that qualifies at 8-8 can't lose twice in the playoffs -- it takes a team with nine regular-season losses to finish 8-10. And only once in a full NFL season has a losing team won a division. That was 16 days ago. Yay Hawks! History! Notoriety!

Not only that, but a 7-9 division winner would have to win its first playoff game (against an actual good team) for it to reach 8-9 before losing its next one to complete the uncharted course to 8-10.

Fun fact: Had the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl -- stifle your laugh! They could have won that stinkin' Bears game, which would have set up a Packers-Seahawks NFC Championship game in Seattle. Are you going to bet against them at Qwest? So. As I was saying, had they reached, and gotten properly annihilated in, the Super Bowl, they would have ended the season 10-10.

So to recap: When you're asked, as the final question of a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit (non-holographic version) in your retirement home in the year 2059, which pro football team was the first-ever to post an 8-10 record, you'll remember (ha!) to answer Seattle. You're welcome. Pass the Jello.

26 DAYS LATER

Pitchers and catchers report in 26 days. For the Mariners, the stench of last season can't dissipate too soon. Picked by many to win a weak-looking division, they finished dead last instead, and along the way, managed to score fewer runs than any other DH-carrying team, ever. For a brief look at how rotten the year was, click here.

So, to address the blood-gushing head wound that was 2010, they made this litany of significant moves:

...

That's it. No new starting pitchers, no big bats -- one stud part-time defender and one medium-sized bat and one serviceable catcher is the extent of the renovation.

No, the M's didn't technically go for the big upgrade; instead, they opted to pinch a giant loaf containing the worthless Casey Kotchman, Jose Lopez, Milton Bradley (will be cut within days), Josh Wilson (back to AAA) and Rob Johnson, who led the league in passed balls by a wide margin despite playing only half the time.

Instead, they'll count on the young guys and the nondescript new guys -- 1B Justin Smoak, LF Michael Saunders, IF Brendan Ryan, 2011 3B Chone Figgins and not 2010 2B Chone Figgins, C Miguel Olivo, DH Jack Cust, plus eventual 2B Dustin Ackley -- to make us forget last season's unwatchability.

And to a certain extent, it'll work. They'll win far more than 61 games, because the pitching will be as good as 2010, the defense will be better, probably by a wide margin, and finally, the offense will necessarily improve. You can't get worse than the worst ever. Probability won't allow it; the power of regression is too strong, almost all of the time.

The 2011 squad will win at least 78 games. And with money to spend in 2012 when a couple big contracts come off the books, the future is bright. Don't buy any shades just yet. But these guys are better than they look at first glance. I promise.

VIOLENCE, SILENCE, SALIENCE

So now, I find myself wondering if I have a moral compass at all when it comes to sports figures in trouble.

I've been in homes where parents abuse their kids verbally and physically. Traveling to 30 homes each week, with a clientele constantly in flux, lets me see a broad range of middle- and upper-class families in action, and sometimes their best behavior deserts them. So I've discovered I'm content to charge abusive parents a fee to teach their children, because their money is just as good as the next family's.

Yet I'm inclined to disapprove of my team hiring an assistant with a history of violent behavior. Yet I want a guy who pled no contest to some ugly charges to get a chance to work in his field, for now, at least for now. Even yetter, I agree with people who want their favorite club to release a prominent baseball player arrested for assault just earlier today. And yettest of all, when this guy did this in a playoff game, I and 67,000 of my closest friends celebrate so raucously we cause an earthquake.

Sometimes this fairness-justice-punishment-redemption-second-chance thing we call "life" is hard to sort out, especially when rooting interests and mercy and employment rights and even humility get in the way. Darn you, nuance! Darn you, forgiveness! Darn you, blind spots! Darn you all to gosh-darn heck already. Gosh.

I Knew I Picked the Right Guy / 9-1-10

I haven't posted on the Depressors, I mean, the Mariners, in a while.

But this upcoming chart I got from one of my favorite sites, ussmariner, and I have to brazenly steal it and bring it to you, my fellow sufferers.

The next time I hear someone complain that Ichiro, of all people, is bringing the team down, I swear I will plead temporary insanity at the resulting trial.

See what I mean:

(Each line includes the batter's spot in the lineup, then how that Mariner has performed, then how the league has performed on average, and the difference.)

Batting average

1. / .308 / .269 / +.039

2. / .240 / .265 / -.025

3. / .221 / .275 / -.054

4. / .244 / .276 / -.032

5. / .210 / .269 / -.059

6. / .244 / .255 / -.011

7. / .206 / .250 / -.044

8. / .212 / .242 / -.030

9. / .222 / .244 / -.022

On-Base Percentage

1. / .360 / .332 / +.028

2. / .328 / .335 / -.007

3. / .303 / .355 / -.052

4. / .293 / .349 / -.056

5. / .262 / .339 / -.077

6. / .311 / .318 / -.007

7. / .284 / .315 / -.031

8. / .283 / .305 / -.022

9. / .271 / .302 / -.031

Slugging Percentage

1. / .391 / .366 / +.025

2. / .285 / .402 / -.117

3. / .374 / .441 / -.067

4. / .384 / .476 / -.092

5. / .302 / .450 / -.148

6. / .376 / .415 / -.039

7. / .281 / .399 / -.118

8. / .345 / .379 / -.034

9. / .318 / .353 / -.035

I could comment further on the historically stinkacious abhorrency of some of these stats, but the pluses and minuses kind of speak for themselves, no?

2000 and counting / 9-6-09

Relax. Not a post about Bush and Gore and Florida.
I think the average sports fan in the Northwest forgets the following fact a little too easily:
If Ichiro Suzuki were to never play another professional baseball game again, he would still be elected to the Hall of Fame.
Ichiro is uniquely awesome... wait wait, hold on a sec, let's not go down this path, you know, the one along which I heap every superlative in the thesaurusictionary on him, and which ends with me pulling off my bra and hurling it onstage, screaming at the top of my estrogen-pulsating lungs, "I LOVE YOU ICHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No. Strictly a mathematical affair tonight.
Since his arrival in MLB in the spring of 2001, Ichiro has accumulated exactly, precisely, 2,000 hits, on the button. Got the milestone hit earlier this afternoon in Oakland.
He has 250 hits more than the second-place guy (Derek Jeter, maybe you've heard of him) during that time frame.
Ichiro is the fourth player in history to rack up 2,000 or more hits in a single decade. (Joining Rogers Hornsby, Sam Rice, and Pete Rose, all of whom played all 10 years that decade, not just nine like Ichiro. Slackers.)
He set the single-season hits record along the way, 262 in 2004. That record had stood since 1920. (Bragging alert: I was in the stadium.)
He has more hits in the past nine years than ANY OTHER PLAYER ever had in ANY NINE-YEAR PERIOD in baseball history. Look here for confirmation.
He was 27 when his career began on this side of the ocean; in Japan's pro league, Ichiro racked up 1,278 base knocks. Should he reach 2,979 as a major leaguer, he will have more professional base hits than Pete Rose. Yeah, the guy who holds the all-time record.
He's 35 and he beats out infield hits every week.
He's hitting .363.
Eventually, he'll retire. Not soon. But eventually. Instead of taking him for granted, as I sometimes have, keep in mind that he is one of the greatest baseball players in history. We're insanely lucky to have him.

Ichirobama / 7-16-09

Been on vacation for a while. I think I'll ease back into things with some fluff.

Set aside the fact that this picture is just pretty cool. I mean, it's two men at the top of their game, professionally, having a chat. One of 'em, completely and totally out of character, has that giddy schoolgirl look. And then the non-baseball player of the two is signing a baseball for the other guy.

No, set that aside and ponder the common points of these two dudes' lives. Both lefthanders, they broke new ground in each of their fields. Ichiro was the first Japanese position player in the majors, owns an MVP award and two batting titles, and was the catalyst in driving the 2001 Mariners to win more games than any other team in history. He'll be inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame someday. Meanwhile, you'll be no doubt shocked to discover that Obama was our first African-American President. I kid you not.

They each had to overcome mountains of prejudice. They've each had to have heard "No, you can't" more than their fair share. They each are tremendously poised, preternaturally calm, confident, cool cucumbers... despite the fact that they can't go anywhere in public without being mobbed.

Okay, okay, I'm going to try and put the man-crushes away for a couple of days at least and get to some serious work. But no guarantees.

Mariners 2009: Must-see TV? / 7-5-09

One word sums up the Mariners' 2008 season: Unwatchable.

With the bar set so low, the 2009 edition of the M's only had to be mediocre, and the year would be considered a success.

Well, these guys have leapfrogged mediocre and are threatening to become good. In the past ten days, they've won series at Los Angeles AND Boston... oh yeah, did I mention those are the two best teams in baseball. They beat C. C. Sabathia in New York. Felix Hernandez is the best starter in the American League, and currently (this won't last) David Aardsma is the best closer in the league. Ichiro is on track to score another batting title.

This surprising Seattle club is turning heads without:

*a catcher, third baseman or shortstop of note
*three of its starters from April
*anything substantial, offensively, from its DH and bench.

The M's will finish above .500 unless injuries ravage the team further. They may fall just short of a playoff spot, but the future is bright. Imagine if GM Jack Zduriencik can find a couple more decent players to plug in at the trouble spots... they'll move from watchable to ready for prime time.

Mariners continue to tread water / 6-20-09

Mariners made it back to .500 today with a 7-3 victory. Thought you'd like to know.

Everyone wants to talk about home runs, great pitching performances, and bad calls as avenues to winning or losing.

Tonight illustrated the importance of defense.

An error in the first leads to a run for Arizona; a misplay in the outfield leads to Seattle's first run later on. A nice running catch by Arizona's left fielder saves two runs at the time. A dumb error by Seattle's second baseman allowed another run to score for Arizona and left the outcome of the game if not in doubt, at least within worrying range. Arizona's shortstop made two excellent plays. The game ended when Seattle's left fielder climbed the short wall in foul territory and reached in between two fans to make the final out. Seattle's catcher scored by evading a lackluster tag at the plate after a poor throw by an Arizona outfielder. Arizona's pitcher deflected a batted ball off his own glove, preventing his teammates from turning a double play.

The M's would have won this one 1-0 in a cleanly fielded game. Or lost it 2-1 if the Diamondbacks had been less sloppy.

The next few weeks will illustrate just how important defense is to the Mariners: starting left fielder Endy Chavez is out for the season when a poor defensive teammate ran into him and blew up his knee; third baseman Adrian Beltre, considered one of the top gloves at his position, is less than 100 percent with shoulder issues; and both middle infielders run the risk of being traded midseason, in part because of their subpar defense.

If the M's proceed to lose a lot of games 5-4 and 4-3 in the next few weeks, it should be easy to point nightly at a defensive meltdown that cost them a run. Don't automatically assume Ichiro should have gotten another hit or Griffey should have launched another homer, or Felix should have struck out one more batter.

Mariners drop a really, really close one / 6-1-09

OAKLAND - The Mariners just can't catch a break, as evidenced by today's 0-0 loss to the A's.

Five Seattle pitchers combined to hold Oakland to five hits and no runs over 16 innings Sunday afternoon, yet the M's were forced to forfeit the game in the middle of the 17th frame when the umpires scientifically determined that the Mariners had a zero percent chance that day of reaching home plate before making three outs.

The low, low final score sets a new major league record for fewest runs scored without use of a soccer ball.

The Elias Sports Bureau believes this is the first case of a team shutting out its opposition yet losing the game.

"More research is needed on this issue," Elias spokesman Guy Ked said. "But we can confirm that the game set a new record for craptastic suckfestiness. No offense."

Following the umpires' controversial ruilng, the Mariners were serenaded off the field by a loud and delirious contingent of A's fans who chanted "So-do No-jo! (clap, clap, clapclapclap) So-do No-jo!" An irate Jose Lopez had to be restrained from charging the crowd, although he did relieve his frustration by swinging at eleven cups of Gatorade in the dugout. All eleven remain standing.

The Mariners wasted a 8-for-9 night by Ichiro, who tripled twice, doubled twice, stole five bases and was stranded at third base seven times. Starter Felix Hernandez gave up two hits and no walks in eight innings and the bullpen allowed four Oakland baserunners the rest of the way, three of those on errors by shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt (0-2 with three walks and four sacrifices).

Third baseman Adrian Beltre saved three runs with a bases-loaded defensive gem in the bottom of the eighth but finished 0-for-9 with seven strikeouts and 24 men left on base. His batting average fell one point.

"We didn't even have to look that one up," Ked said. "Totally a record for LOB. Not even close."

Eight different Mariners were thrown out at the plate in the game. First baseman Russell Branyan, fresh off a 4-for-5, 3-HR night Saturday, had the day off.

Tonight's umpiring crew will determine ten minutes prior to game time, based on the lineup M's skipper Don Wakamatsu turns in, whether the contest will proceed or another forfeit is forcibly declared.

"I'm thinking of hitting Rob Johnson cleanup and putting YuBet in the two hole again," Wakamatsu said.

Fathers and sons and baseball / 5-17-09

All four of us went to the game at Safeco today. Mariners vs. Red Sox.

With our family's ties to Boston, Aaron elected to wear the Sox cap, which clashed violently with my M's gear. It was adorable. The boys spent the morning explaining to me who they were going to root for at which times, and what it means when you put the cap on backwards. (It means you're temporarily switching allegiances, come on, don't you know, Dad? Turn yours around so you can root for Boston! Come on Dad!)

So anyway, got to the game early, plunked ourselves down in our upper deck seats. And what do we see... row right in front of us: Father in M's paraphernalia, son in Red Sox t-shirt. Row right behind us: Dad wearing Seattle stuff, kid with the Boston shirt.

Classic.

By the way, Mariners won, 3-2, on a two-out, bottom-of-the-ninth hit. Must have been an early Father's Day special.

Jury out on the M's / 5-15-09

Oh, that jury is not coming in anytime soon.

Observations:

1a. The Mariners are not as bad as they looked this past week.
1b. The Mariners are not as good as they looked in April.
2. These guys are practically never out of a game. Lester working on a shutout? So what? We have Ichiro. Down 7-4 in the 12th? Let's play 15.
3. Aardsma is our closer. I need no more Morrow sorrow.
4. Wish we could get a steadier diet of Kenneth Griffey. Purely for sentimental reasons. This is probably a .500 team, and if so, I want to see the old dude play. But if we're tied for the division lead on Labor Day, I don't care if he rides the bench the whole month.
5. But realistically, too many holes across the roster to win the division.
6. The M's lead the league in three categories: Most tons of fingernails collectively chewed by fan base; most heart meds sold to fan base; most theoretical Scrabble points garnered by playing the names of the manager and general manager and pitcher-catcher combo. (Wakamatsu / Zduriencik / Jakubauskas / Johjima)

Taking the whole family to Sunday's game vs. Boston. Good times.

Manny being... well, everyone / 5-7-09

Baseball's latest drug scandal: Manny Ramirez is impersonating Octomom to gain a competitive edge.

Yeah, another superstar is juicing. Raise your mouse if you were astonished. Maybe you were disappointed, maybe you were a little angry, maybe you were indifferent. But shocked? Please.

So for fun, let's grab a few MLB stars not entirely at random from the Canseco era, say, 1988-2008. Let's classify them into clever categories that represent my hypothetical reaction to the hypothetical news (for now) that they're on a performance enhancer.

FICST (Fine, I Can See That)
Randy Johnson. Bret Boone. Ryan Howard. David Ortiz. Pedro Martinez. Joe Carter. Dave Winfield. Johan Santana. Brandon Webb. Roy Halladay. Adrian Beltre. Sammy Sosa. Luis Gonzalez. Vlad Guerrero. Juan Gonzalez. Rickey Henderson. Frank Thomas. Larry Walker.

RATS (Really, A Tiny Surprise)
Jamie Moyer. Derek Jeter. Maddux-Smoltz-Glavine. Nolan Ryan. Kirby Puckett. Albert Pujols.

BITES (Baseball Is Tarnished EverlaStingly)
Junior. Ichiro. Edgar. Ripken.

So, so many big names are missing from these lists. For good reason. They've been caught already.

It pains me to associate some of my favorite players with the stench of cheating, even in a tongue-in-cheek way. On the other hand, steroid use has only ever bothered me on a statistical level. I'm pretty sure half the guys or more on each team were juicing, so I tend to believe the competitive integrity of the game was not grossly compromised. The playing field was level, so to speak, by the scope of the cheating. It's just that 762 really ticks me off, as does this entire page.

I'm not going to demand that "baseball clean up its act" or that it change its ways "for the good of the children." I'm going to helplessly shake my head and hope that the BITES list never comes to pass. That's the only good outcome left.

The M's are for real. Or maybe not. / 5-3-09

So the Mariners have a winning record one month into the season, and everyone is asking if they're for real. Pardon me while I restrain a giggle and pinch myself a little -- I just reread that first sentence.

Well, for the disbelievers, here's this nugget: the M's are in first place, but so are the Kansas City Royals.

For the believers: Felix Hernandez, Erik Bedard and Jarrod Washburn are a combined 9-2 with a combined ERA in the mid-twos.

Naysayers: Junior and Adrian Beltre are at the Mendoza line. Beltre hasn't hit a homer yet. Washburn's success won't last. Morrow's hurt, who knows for how long. Carlos Silva and Miguel Batista have pulses and are drawing obscene paychecks. There's no proven lefty in the pen.

Ayesayers: Griffey and Beltre are about to heat up. Russell Branyan is a stud, .320 with 6 HR through Sunday. Have you heard of a little guy we like to call I-chi-RO? The bullpen is deep. In fact, the team in general is deeper than any time since 2002.

I'm a fan, so I have the fog of bias clouding up my lens. But I know this team will get shut out fairly often, it will lost plenty of games 3-2, and the bullpen will walk its way to more than a few losses.

This club also won't lose eight in a row all year. The starting pitching talent won't allow it. And the West is woefully weak this year.

It's not impossible to spend a glorious summer watching the M's get as lucky as the 2006 Cardinals, who scraped together a forgettable 83-78 record, won a crummy division, and then rode an unexpected hot streak to a perfectly valid World Series title. Hey, stop laughing! It's baseball. I'm told anything can happen.